Relational Reality Check

"The damage still seeps out.  It's notable in the abandonment, debasement, and violence we inflict upon ourselves, our spouses, our lovers, and our children"

Tom Burrell, founder of "The Resolution Project"

Somewhere deep inside something is broken within many African American families.  Its hard for me to say that as a person who has been taught not to air out the dirty laundry.  I grew up in a generation where pathology was hidden or ignored, as not to compound the shame that was already being inflicted by the general public.  You were constantly under the pressure of feeling that you were not as good, as smart, as clean, as attractive, as important, as valued, as moral, and possibly most devastating, not as whole as White Americans.  In the 1970's, this was made clear in the language used, the preferences given, and the body language of people in every sphrer of life. 

Today, many people speak of a post-racial society, citing the election of President Obama as a sign that racialization is largely a historic phenemona.  However, the effects of racialization, racism, and the systematic dehumanization of people of color remains today, and is amplified in the painful relational dynamics of African American peoples today.

Tom Burrell, Marketing guru and a member of the advertising Hall of fame, recently released a devastating book called "Brainwashed".  In this book, He describes the forces behind the propaganda that perpetuates Black-inferiority complexes.  He specifically identifies five different destructive relational truths that are evidence of perpetual Black self-hate due to perceived inferiority.

1. Diss-respect: The persistent mutual mistrust, disrespect, and redicule of spouses, mates, and parents.  Nearly 45% of all Black men and 42% of Black women will never marry. We need only to visit a Black barbershop or a beauty shop to listen to the way the we (Black people) actually speak about one another.  The norm is suspicion and exploitation, not trust and service.

2. The Beat-down: The disproportionately high rates of physical, verbal, sexual, and spiritual abuse in our families.  From 1993 to 1998, Black women experienced domestic violence at a rate of 35 times (yes, 35, not 3.5 or 35%) higher than that of White women.  Violence is so prevelant against women that in some of our subcultures, it is a sign of masculinity. 

3. "Can't be true to my Boo":  The acceptance and normalization of infidelity.  Whereas the songs of a culture tells its stories, you need only listen to popular songs of Black culture to understand the acceptance of sleeping around.  One friend of mine says "all men will cheat, I just need my man to provide".  How did we lower our expectations to this?

4. Icing: The employment of relational distance and emotional shut down as a tool for coping.  In Black families, there is a startling rate of abandonment.  In fact, in my pediatric practices (mostly serving predominantly Black communities), most of the pregnant teen mothers did not even consider or desire to have the father of their children involved.  Most of the teen fathers, also had no sense of expectation or obligation that they were to have a lifetime bond with their child or the mother of their children.

5. Mutual Dis-enabling:  Perpetual cycles of irresponsible fathers and over-protective mothers raising sheltered boys and neglected girls.  We see this with the 28 year old Black boy who still lives with momma, still talking about his next hustle, and is looking a another momma in the form of a girlfriend who will allow him to "lay up" in her house to do the same.  The mother will vehemently defend her man-boy as being victimized from the system, but never develops the appropriate relationship with her son that teaches him to take the responsibility for himself, his family, and his community.  This is often because the mothers did not receive that appropriate love from their fathers and see their man-boys as their "little man".  Unfortunately, these man-boys have children in which, they neglect or abandon because they have never been taught a sense of responsibility, thus continuing the cycle.

Now, you may look at this list and disagree.  If you are African American or live in community (true relationship, not just geographically) with African Americans, you will immediately recognize that what I say is true and things are getting worse instead of getting better.  I am not one to generalize and say that all families are this way, but can say with authority, looking at my African American family, as a pastor, and as a pediatrician, that this is a description of the reality of many.  One of the purposes of this blog was to talk about roots and solutions.  If this blog has hit a sensitve spot, would you consider commenting?  I would love to hear thoughtful response regarding the genesis of these problems and solutions.

I believe that there are solutions, but that they all begin with the ability to see the reality of the true condition.

Lets Talk,

Pastor M Traylor