John Hopkins research Sociologist Dr. Andrew Cherlin writes a provocative book looking at the marriage patterns in American contemporary society (Marriage-go-round, 2009). Statistically, we know that single African-American women are more likely to remain single, live with multiple unmarried partners, and undergo divorce than their European American counterparts. The reasons are manifold. Some are societal (higher likelihood of poverty, earlier sexual initiation, etc), and some are interpersonal (culture of disappearing and irresponsibile men). However, it is heartbreaking to know that statistically, African-American women will experience more relational disruption and conflict than most women in America.
Recently, a good friend and blogger, Anjanette Potter began to write a series of provocative questions to single women who were considering marriage in the future. Her questions dealt with the qualities that prospective spouse should have. You can read more of her writing at:
http://happyspinster66.wordpress.com/2010/07/12/welcome-to-the-happy-spinster/
I wanted to write a follow-up that is more basic to those women who are desiring marriage. These questions are not focusing on the character of your prospective spouse, but are questions that focus inwardly. God causes us to wait for several reasons. Sometimes it is to change the things outside of ourselves, such as situations, finances, other’s character development, but many times it is to change us. God uses time to help us find wholeness, healing, and completeness.
Here are my five questions that I believe single women, particularly African American Christian women who desire to marry should ask.
1. Am I experiencing the profound love of Jesus?
- When you are hungry for affection and affirmation, everything looks good. It is like going to the grocery store when you are hungry; everything looks good.
- The love of Jesus is unconditional and unrelenting. You need to experience true love in order to share it and receive it.
2. Am I depending on this relationship to restore my security, significance, or acceptability?
- In other words, am I looking for someone else to make me complete. You need to feel complete prior to entering into a relationship.
3. Do I have a clear calling to marry?
- Not everyone is called into marriage. Entering into marriage without a clear calling is like becoming a musician without musical skill. God equips those who he calls.
4. Do I have the time, attention and energy to develop a trusting, healthy relationship?
- It takes time to develop trust, and deep trust to have transparency. Unless you have the social capital to invest, your foundation is shaky.
- Vocational stresses, emotional wounds, familial obligations, and health problems can rob you of the time, vigilance and energy needed to develop a healthy relationship. There is no quick way to develop the proper foundation.
5. Am I emotionally healthy enough to give and receive affection and develop healthy boundaries.
- Wounds and neediness destroy healthy boundaries. Neediness allows premature intimacy and wounds cause prolonged distance.
By the way, these questions work well for men desiring marriage as well!
Feel Free to leave comments or add questions of your own.
God bless,
Pastor M Traylor
