Relational Reality Check

"The damage still seeps out.  It's notable in the abandonment, debasement, and violence we inflict upon ourselves, our spouses, our lovers, and our children"

Tom Burrell, founder of "The Resolution Project"

Somewhere deep inside something is broken within many African American families.  Its hard for me to say that as a person who has been taught not to air out the dirty laundry.  I grew up in a generation where pathology was hidden or ignored, as not to compound the shame that was already being inflicted by the general public.  You were constantly under the pressure of feeling that you were not as good, as smart, as clean, as attractive, as important, as valued, as moral, and possibly most devastating, not as whole as White Americans.  In the 1970's, this was made clear in the language used, the preferences given, and the body language of people in every sphrer of life. 

Today, many people speak of a post-racial society, citing the election of President Obama as a sign that racialization is largely a historic phenemona.  However, the effects of racialization, racism, and the systematic dehumanization of people of color remains today, and is amplified in the painful relational dynamics of African American peoples today.

Tom Burrell, Marketing guru and a member of the advertising Hall of fame, recently released a devastating book called "Brainwashed".  In this book, He describes the forces behind the propaganda that perpetuates Black-inferiority complexes.  He specifically identifies five different destructive relational truths that are evidence of perpetual Black self-hate due to perceived inferiority.

1. Diss-respect: The persistent mutual mistrust, disrespect, and redicule of spouses, mates, and parents.  Nearly 45% of all Black men and 42% of Black women will never marry. We need only to visit a Black barbershop or a beauty shop to listen to the way the we (Black people) actually speak about one another.  The norm is suspicion and exploitation, not trust and service.

2. The Beat-down: The disproportionately high rates of physical, verbal, sexual, and spiritual abuse in our families.  From 1993 to 1998, Black women experienced domestic violence at a rate of 35 times (yes, 35, not 3.5 or 35%) higher than that of White women.  Violence is so prevelant against women that in some of our subcultures, it is a sign of masculinity. 

3. "Can't be true to my Boo":  The acceptance and normalization of infidelity.  Whereas the songs of a culture tells its stories, you need only listen to popular songs of Black culture to understand the acceptance of sleeping around.  One friend of mine says "all men will cheat, I just need my man to provide".  How did we lower our expectations to this?

4. Icing: The employment of relational distance and emotional shut down as a tool for coping.  In Black families, there is a startling rate of abandonment.  In fact, in my pediatric practices (mostly serving predominantly Black communities), most of the pregnant teen mothers did not even consider or desire to have the father of their children involved.  Most of the teen fathers, also had no sense of expectation or obligation that they were to have a lifetime bond with their child or the mother of their children.

5. Mutual Dis-enabling:  Perpetual cycles of irresponsible fathers and over-protective mothers raising sheltered boys and neglected girls.  We see this with the 28 year old Black boy who still lives with momma, still talking about his next hustle, and is looking a another momma in the form of a girlfriend who will allow him to "lay up" in her house to do the same.  The mother will vehemently defend her man-boy as being victimized from the system, but never develops the appropriate relationship with her son that teaches him to take the responsibility for himself, his family, and his community.  This is often because the mothers did not receive that appropriate love from their fathers and see their man-boys as their "little man".  Unfortunately, these man-boys have children in which, they neglect or abandon because they have never been taught a sense of responsibility, thus continuing the cycle.

Now, you may look at this list and disagree.  If you are African American or live in community (true relationship, not just geographically) with African Americans, you will immediately recognize that what I say is true and things are getting worse instead of getting better.  I am not one to generalize and say that all families are this way, but can say with authority, looking at my African American family, as a pastor, and as a pediatrician, that this is a description of the reality of many.  One of the purposes of this blog was to talk about roots and solutions.  If this blog has hit a sensitve spot, would you consider commenting?  I would love to hear thoughtful response regarding the genesis of these problems and solutions.

I believe that there are solutions, but that they all begin with the ability to see the reality of the true condition.

Lets Talk,

Pastor M Traylor

Can we talk?

In a 1962 Gallup poll, 85% of European-Americans responded that African-Americans had the same opportunity for a good education as their children did.  In 1963, 66% of European-Americans felt that Afican-Americans in their communities were treated the same or better.  In 1968, only 17% of European-Americans would agree with the generality that "African-Americans have been treated poorly in their communities".  (Statistics drawn from Anti-racist Activist Tiim Wise's book "Speaking Treason Fluently")

In a time in which racism and discrimination was blatant, there was a resiliency for many people to express this observation.  It seems like there is a cultural pressure to minimize the truth of racism, even when it is recorded and demonstrated on your TV's,  as it was done during the civil rights era.

Over 40 years later, I find that there is still incredible resistance to see and express the results of racialization and racism.  Some of that stems from the desire to believe in the national myth of the innocent nation (our nation always acts on the best behalf, even its evil had a honorable purpose).  This myth is why Americans could not speak out against the war and still be considered patriotic.  It became difficult to question that motives of leaders because it violated the innocent nation mythology.  Yet, even beyond this, there is a national guilt that is too painful to realize. We dare not touch it because then our identity and our mythology must succumb to the unflattering portrait of realism. So insidious is this blindness that we have even labeled our current era (after the election of President Obama) as "post-racial era.

Why can't we talk about what's plainly there?  Why can't we dialogue about the entrenched discrepancies of education, healthcare, distribution of wealth, opportunities for enterprise that are apparent between European-Americans and Americans of color?  Why can't we share our observations of the predilection of capitalistic systems to have cheap labor in order to have increasng profits, and that cheap labor is predominantly brown, black, olive, and tan in America?

When can we have the courage to make observations and take ownership of that reality, so that we can simply move forward to solutions.  Yet, I find, even in the halls of academia, we can't even have the discussion.  Its too powerful, too frightening, and too overwhelming.

I want to have the discussions so that my children will inherit a nation with the conviction to own its past, and wrestle with its present, so that its future is one of true democracy and justice.

Can we talk....


Pastor M Traylor

Martin Luther King Jr. and Optimism

For the past week, I have had the privilege of reading through many of the speeches and writings of the great Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  I have been reading a compilation of his work that was edited by the late historian James Washington. "I Have a Dream" , James Washington editor.

As I read his speeches and writings, I became aware of a battle that was raging in my mind.  It was a small tension at first, but the more I read, the louder the dissenting voice in my mind became.  Soon, I was journaling and praying because I found that His writings revealed a huge "ego-dystonic" gap in my attitudes and his.

Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., had an amazing faith in two ideals that I approach with increasing cynicism.

He first had faith in America.  He loved the American creed (We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal") and was confident that America can and would live up to the ideals in which it was created.  His works, particularly the poignant and powerful, "Letter from the Birmingham Jail", gives an unfailing optimism in the spirit and purpose of the American creed.

Secondly, Dr. King had the significant faith in the moral consciousness of all people.  He would argue with African students that non-violence works against all regimes, no matter how cruel, because all people have a moral consciousness that can be challenged.  In his 1959 article in Ebony magazine, he states "non-violent resistance, when planned and positive in action, can work effectively, even under totalitarian regimes". 

Although I love America, I do not have faith in it.  I although I thank God for the privileges found in America, I mourn the exploitation and the devastations of entire peoples in order to make that possible.  I spoke to a leader in the impoversihed nation of Malawi in 2004.  I asked him why there were not more American products around.  He replied "There nothing here to exploit".  He went on to explain his thoughts which were echoed in Kenya that America is the land of opportunitist.  The American creed was declared at a time inwhich the rights spoken of, were reserved for Whites only.  It was never meant as Dr.  King defines it.  I love his confidence, but unfortunately do not share it.

Dr. King is heavily influenced by the social gospel movement of the late 19th and early 20th century.  This movement believed that the people of God will usher in the Kingdom of God through our own direct actions.  He believed that people will rise to the nature of their calling.  In his 1964 Nobel Prize acceptance speech he states "I Refuse to believe the "isness" of humanity can not reach up to the "oughtness" that forever confronts him".  I believe that humanity has incredible capacity for good and evil.  I believe that without God, we will never reach our "oughtness" and that Jesus Christ came to lead us back to our "oughtness". 

Now, obviously Dr. King lead a movement that changed the world, and I, on the other hand, have not.  Therefore, I am challenged on my cynicism and my theology.  Have I focused on humanity and America's capacity for evil, to the neglect of the possibility for it to be a tremendous force for good. 

My thought is that I choose to be hopeful, even if I am not optimistic.  Optimism is a favorable outlook based upon the past or present conditions.  Hope on the other hand, is God-centered and focuses on the work of God to bring about the things that matter to him, such as justice, love, and peace, acknowledging that the vehicle of his kingdom is flawed peoples, nations, and communities.

How would you describe your approach to social change?  Are you hopeful, cynical, pessimistic, or joyful.

It is my desire that the hope of God would inspire and empower you this day!

Pastor M Traylor

Questions for single women.

John Hopkins research Sociologist Dr. Andrew Cherlin writes a provocative book looking at the marriage patterns in American contemporary society (Marriage-go-round, 2009). Statistically, we know that single African-American women are more likely to remain single, live with multiple unmarried partners, and undergo divorce than their European American counterparts. The reasons are manifold. Some are societal (higher likelihood of poverty, earlier sexual initiation, etc), and some are interpersonal (culture of disappearing and irresponsibile men). However, it is heartbreaking to know that statistically, African-American women will experience more relational disruption and conflict than most women in America.

 

Recently, a good friend and blogger, Anjanette Potter began to write a series of provocative questions to single women who were considering marriage in the future. Her questions dealt with the qualities that prospective spouse should have. You can read more of her writing at:

 

http://happyspinster66.wordpress.com/2010/07/12/welcome-to-the-happy-spinster/

 

I wanted to write a follow-up that is more basic to those women who are desiring marriage. These questions are not focusing on the character of your prospective spouse, but are questions that focus inwardly. God causes us to wait for several reasons. Sometimes it is to change the things outside of ourselves, such as situations, finances, other’s character development, but many times it is to change us. God uses time to help us find wholeness, healing, and completeness.

 

Here are my five questions that I believe single women, particularly African American Christian women who desire to marry should ask.

 

1. Am I experiencing the profound love of Jesus?

•  When you are hungry for affection and affirmation, everything looks good. It is like going to the grocery store when you are hungry; everything looks good.
•  The love of Jesus is unconditional and unrelenting. You need to experience true love in order to           share it and receive it.

2. Am I depending on this relationship to restore my security, significance, or acceptability?

•  In other words, am I looking for someone else to make me complete. You need to feel complete    prior to entering into a relationship.

3. Do I have a clear calling to marry?

•  Not everyone is called into marriage. Entering into marriage without a clear calling is like becoming a   musician without musical skill. God equips those who he calls.

4. Do I have the time, attention and energy to develop a trusting, healthy relationship?

• It takes time to develop trust, and deep trust to have transparency. Unless you have the social capital   to invest, your foundation is shaky.
• Vocational stresses, emotional wounds, familial obligations, and health problems can rob you of the time, vigilance and energy needed to develop a healthy relationship. There is no quick way to         develop  the proper foundation.

5. Am I emotionally healthy enough to give and receive affection and develop healthy boundaries.

• Wounds and neediness destroy healthy boundaries. Neediness allows premature intimacy and            wounds cause prolonged distance.

 

By the way, these questions work well for men desiring marriage as well!

 

Feel Free to leave comments or add questions of your own.

 

God bless,

 

Pastor M Traylor

African Americans and Immigration reform

CNN reported that Arizona Governor Jan Brewer will be meeting with President Obama in the near future regarding the state's recent attempts at immigration reform. Governor Brewer has been in the spot light recently for two controversial laws.

The first law amounted to the fact that people would be required to carry "proof of citizenship" and any "suspected" of being illegal, can be stopped and held if proof is not available. Law enforcement officers as well as the state government are also held immune from lawsuits with regards to false imprisonment and detention. This amounts to be able to detain any Mexican-American appearing person who is not walking around with a birth certificate or visa. Most of us do not carry our birth certificate around with us.

The second law abolished "ethnic studies" as the government has determined that they "demonstrate ethnic superiority by stating the Mexican-American have been oppressed by Whites". This is done while admitting that the curriculum used by many Arizona students does not address racial tensions between Whites and Mexican, native American, and African-American populations.

This type of profiling and censorship resurrects some of the worst types of racism and racialization. Cases all over the country show a spreading web of divisive and racializing events (see http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/05/25/deportation-nightmare-edu_n_588788.htm)

What is the role of African-Americans in this debate. As those who have struggled to overcome some of the foundational racialization of American culture, do we have something to offer in this debate?

While the immigration issue is complex and multi-faceted, I believe that we must advocate for those who are steotyped and profiled. I believe that African-Americans have often held a prophetic witness, calling America to justice. I believe that we dare not be silent.

Let me know what you think,

God bless,

Pastor M Traylor

Culture, Spanking, and Aggresiveness

A recent article on spanking suggests that spanking toddlers increases aggressive behaviors. You can read the review of the orginal article at:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20100412/hl_time/08599198101900

In the African-American community, spanking is nearly a universal phenomena. I was spanked (frequently!) and I used spanking for my own children (infrequently!). Of the patients in my pediatric practices over the 17 years, nearly all of my African American families used spanking in some form or fashion.

Over the past 10-15 years there have been numerous campaigns by child advocacy groups to discourage the use of spanking and the American Academy of Pediatrics now officially advocates against any form of corporal punishment.

So, is the common practice of spanking within African American families a demonstration of pathology? Does our aggressive behavior, particularly in the males who are incredibly over-represented in our penal system influenced by the well intentioned, but according to the mostly white researchers, destructive practice of spanking?

I would suggest that the study demonstrates that those who were spanked were indeed more aggressive, but it does not investigate whether the spanking was due to the fact that those children may have been more aggressive in the first place. In other words, spanking may be used more frequently in children who were inherently more aggressive. Just as African American families are not monolithic in their actions and attitudes, African American children are incredibly diverse in their aggresiveness and sensitivity. Within families who do spank, the frquency is not even distributed but is often a response to the activities of those children.

I was spanked more than my wife was. Our temperments are completely different and our sensitivity to other types of discipline were also different. A time out for me was often not effective. I am and always was a daydreamer. Giving me a timeout was an excuse to return to dreaming and my mother realized that it did not alter my behavior. It does not invalidate the usefulness of timeouts, but points out that different behavioral approaches have differing levels of effectiveness in different children.

What is your take on spanking? Are we, as researchers suggest, creating aggressive children? Is there a level of cultural ignorance, or conversely cultural pride when talking about this?

Leave you comments below,

Pastor M Traylor

Defining Whole

The argument goes something like this:  Is media shaping who we are (influencing our understanding of our self-identity) or is it simply reflecting reality and persona (demonstrating our reality as well as our desires).  Every since the advent of TV, we have railed against media as the former, an influence that shapes our identity.  The concept has a familiar ring, as nearly a century ago, WEB Dubois decried the fact that African Americans often see themselves through the lenses of other (The Souls of Black Folk).

However, I think that this concept is too simple, too naive, and far too irresponsible.  When we look at networks such as BET, we see negative image after negative image portrayed.  Music videos are grossly oversexualized and the artistry and prophetic content that launched hip-hop has been covered by commericialism and the culture of greed.  BET has those images because African Americans choose to watch them.  If African Americans were not watching BET, then it would not survive.  In this way, African Americans are responsible for the media's portrayal of young men's material-centered lifestyle (money justifies the job, think 50 cent's "masterpiece" called "Get rich or die tryin") or young woman's use of sexuality as nearly the sole source of value and worth. 

What if both are true? Media influences and is a reflection of who we are.  What if African American people, such as myself, took responsibility for images that are being formed by choosing to support programming that produces realistic and healthy images of ourselves.  This does not mean that healthy images are devoid of sexuality or even the realism of commericialsim, but that those images are defined holistically and defined by a single factor.

As I was watching Tyler Perry's "Why did I get married 2" (saving the review for another time), I was reminded of the need for balance and contrast.  Balance in that we want to be realistic in our portrayals of ourselves while also contrasting what "could or should be".   Regardless of how we feel about his writing or the quality of the acting, I commend Tyler Perry as one of the few writers who has tried to satirically look at the images that African Americans desire and develop.

Let me know what you think about this.  Is the self-identity of African Americans a reflection of media or do we actually have some responsibility?

God bless,

Pastor M Traylor